Me, Myself, and I

I am a WHISKY-SWILLING, KILT-WEARING SCOTSMAN who spends his life pursuing misfortune for the sake of a good story. Whether it be hunting landmines in my ŠKODA in Croatia, visiting the Romanian dentist, dining on goat brain in the cave of a WEIRD, ONE-EYED OLD LADY in Turkey, or being cursed by a man with gold teeth in Ukraine, my experiences in 40 COUNTRIES, I can promise, are entirely true.

In fact, short of SERIOUS INJURY, DEATH, or ALIEN ABDUCTION, anything that could have gone wrong for me, has - and I LOVE it.

WHOA! BREAKING NEWS! Batting In The Baltic will be out in SA in May! Batting On The Bosphorus will be released in the UK, Australia, NZ and India from July! Get 50% OFF SLOGGING THE SLAVS when you order direct from www.fat-controller.com. CLICK HERE TO ORDER! If you're looking for a travel-cricket book on Eastern Europe, with PARANORMAL elements, Slogging The Slavs is probably the book for you.

A PSYCHIC said the GHOST OF MY GREAT-UNCLE is following me around, putting ideas in my head. So, the book is kind of co-written.  
CHECK OUT more info on SLOGGING THE SLAVS, DOWN & OUT DOWN UNDER, and the soon-to-be DON'T PUT YOUR TACKLE IN BEHIND.

I've also written a short book on the HISTORY OF CHOCOLATE for La Cabosse d'Or in Quebec. No jokes about OOMPAH LOOMPAHS, please. Did you know chocolate is poisonous to PUPPIES?

I’m continuing to build the life of a MEDIA SLUT (without the cocaine). I lost my job in Glasgow's most notorious METHADONE clinic in 2005, where I ran the switchboard and sold onions, oranges and babymilk to SHELL-SUITED MANBEATERS. (Onions are part of the NHS healthy-eating campaign.) I suggested they turn the unsold fruit into PUNCH for the alcoholics’ clinic, but Labour abolished the NHS internal market.

The doctor said I needed a HEPATITIS INJECTION in case a patient BIT ME. I cut my losses and moved to Montreal, where I work as a chocolatier-cum-cricket coach.

I graduated with a 1st-Class Honours in English Writing, Environmental Philosophy, FLYING SAUCERS and SPACE STUDIES in 2003, after a long sentence in DEEPEST, DARKEST MINING-VALLEY WALES. I doubt I would have made it, but for the escape of the century, fleeing a landlord lawsuit to enjoy an EU-sponsored skiing holiday in the French Alps for a semester.

I've written for The South African Sunday Times Travel and Food, the US Student Traveler, Australia's Inside Sport, The Wisden Cricketer, All Out Cricket, India's Cricinfo, The Scottish Cricketer, Matrix in Canada/US, Fat Controller and Menz magazine. Co-hosted Menz radio on Montréal's Team990, appeared on BBC WORLD TV, BBC Radio London, BBC Leicester, Metro Radio, Glasgow's Sub-City, CBC Radio Canada, CTV News Canada, M6 TV France, BBC World Service, and various random Finnish and Balkan radio and TV shows.

Copywriting gigs for Caledonian Connoisseur, Simple Simon's Pies, and the highly recommended La Cabosse d'Or Chocolaterie.  I've worked on submissions at Matrix, and believe in FLYING SAUCERS.

I've worked as a gardener in ROMANIA, begged in BULGARIA, exchanged dollars on the streets of UKRAINE, was an intern for the MONTREAL MAFIA, smuggled alcohol from BELARUS, and participated in PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIMENTS FOR CASH. I'm looking to use my experience from the chocolate factory and BAKE CAKES TO SELL on the street. Incidentally, if  you are interested in buying some of these cakes, please get in touch through the Contact/Feed Me page.

© 2004-2007 All rights reserved. Angus J. J. Bell.